it has only been like 12 months or so. that's all. (read with great sarcasm)
the last year has been full. full of lots of things, life changing events, growth, new life, struggles, great joys, devastating heart breaks, glorious answered prayers, tears, a little arguing, lot's of laughing ( 'cause if you don't, you might cry), mountain top highs, and way down in the valley lows. do you want the good news or the bad news first?
let's go with the good- we made it through. we made it. and i might venture to say that we are stronger than before. (i am at least, but so i don't feel so lonely and vulnerable in the blogging world, i will continue to use the words "we, our, and us" eventually i will have to do this on "my own" but for now, i will remain "plural inclusive)....and yes that's a word (at least in my world it is)...i pinkie swear.
we successfully got our biggest through the 8th grade and now he is prepping to start high school. we found out we were having another baby (*SURPRISE!!!!!*****) just before sterling's 1st birthday. then discovered it was another boy! we were thrilled! i also had a really hard pregnancy and it nearly did me in- i was WORE out! the stress of the baby was a whole nutha story. he finally came on may 12th---exactly 14 years after i had his big brother. the timing was perfect and a huge answer to prayer. so many many other details to share in posts to come.
the biggest bad news of the last year (and i am going to be REALLY vulnerable here) is this.....i was COMPLETELY checked out. completely. since that last "Sterling is 9 months post", i haven't written down ONE thing...no journaling no nothing. the truth is, when i found out i was pregnant, i was real real sad. (that is so hard to write) not sad about the baby necessarily, but just sad about how it would change my life. i was so getting used to the peeps that i had and the way our lives were going along just fine. i really and truly went into some weird depression- i think that it kinda freaked my husband out. there were days and days that i wore the same thing, never left the house, cried constantly, and just checked out of life in general. i have NO pictures of the last year (mind you, i am a professional photographer). i have MAYBE a very small handful but really nothing like i should. it's shameful. when there are people out there with real terminal illnesses, and they just want one or two more days with the ones they love. i am moping around, complaining, and whining, and WASTING away the precious gift of time that my sweet loving Jesus gave me. wasting it. shameful.
so, now, on the eve of the biggest brother starting high school, the 21 month old sister getting ready for mother's day out, and the littlest brother cooing and giggling in my lap. i have decided, i don't want to miss it. i don't want to miss another year with my kids or with my amazing husband. i want to be fully here and in the moment and wrap myself up in them and feel how much they love ME - just because of who God made me to be and that's what they love about me. Warts and all- i don't really have warts, but you get the picture.
i am going to spend the next few months "journaling" about last year and trying to fill in the holes that i left out. some posts may be full of joy and happy thoughts, some might be me recalling the bad days, some may be pure nonsense and silliness, and there will for sure be some about all the fabulous things that God will be doing in our family this year. and for a laugh, i can almost guarantee that more than one or two posts will be composed while on "ambien" and those will be pure ridiculousness. i am certain that if you follow this blog for very long, you will hear somethings that my shock you and blow your mind, you may think "hey, i don't like this girl all that much anymore" but please stick with me on those days, i hope to show how God pulled me through and growed me up a little (yes, that also is a real word). He is changing my heart even now as i type. and more......now.
so, if you pick to read this, thank you. your encouragement and honesty will be a huge gift to my journey in becoming the girl, wife, mom, daughter, friend, aunt, neighbor, sister-in-law, yada yada yada that HE wants me to be. i need your accountability and maybe even a gentle kick in the butt. if you don't pick to keep up with it....i totally understand. just know that i am trying, and i am trusting that God has a plan for me.
so......check back soon. this may be my new daily obsession. and if you spread the word and sign up to follow, and make comments, we just might be able to reach a mom that is where i was and help encourage her a little too. after all, isn't that what God calls us to do. help those who are hurting?
until next time.............
from my gypsy heart to yours!
ps a few words that GOD has on my heart to ponder today.
*ephisians 3:16 i pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources, he will empower me with his inner strength through his Spirit
*philippians 4:7 then i will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything i can understand. His peace will guard my heart and mind as i live in Christ Jesus.
*1 thessalonians 5:13 so encourage each other and build each other up.....
*psalms 139:16b every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.