a note to my oldest dude

chandler-

tonight we had one of the most precious talks we have ever had. not really because of what it was about (a girl) but because of how we talked. you were so open and transparent with me. showing so much wisdom. we talked about integrity, honor, wisdom, discernment, graciousness, God's plan to prosper and not to harm, not understanding why GOd may close a door to something in order to open one to something better, about seeing God's hand of protection...and SO much of it was YOU talking to me, instead of the other way around.

i have often wondered when i talk (sometimes tirelessly) if you hear anything i say. if you can hear that i am really on your side. if you trust me and my advice. if you know and see that God is truly in control of your life and what happens to you. if, when i am vulnerable with you, and tell you about my mistakes and failures-you really listen and hear my heart's desire is that you do better than i did, that you will make better choices. if ANY of it actually soaks into your head and more importantly you heart.

tonight, i know that even if just a little bit, you do.

i am so grateful that God has seen it fit to bless me with you. not just to be your "mom" but to be a trusted confidant. i so don't deserve it. He is SO good. He is good to hear my prayers as i pray so fervently for you. He is good to answer my prayers, not always with a "yes", but sometimes a "no",  and sometimes a "not yet." He is good to know what is best for me and for you, even when i don't. He is good to give me just a little peek into your heart and to let me know that i am not completely spinning my wheels and that there are days, that i do in fact get it right.  oh i am so grateful for those days.

you are 15. i know that everyday, not even every week, or every month we will not be on the same page. you will roll your eyes at me, rebel, argue, bicker, whine and fuss. but today, i am resting in knowing that you love me, you trust me, you hear me, and you know God is at work. it will be days like today, that will get us through the mess of the other days when we are "off"

i am proud of you. you are a joy. you are a gift. you are one of my greatest delights. and i am SO proud to be your mom.

i love you peanut.